Healing of Memories

When we are most vulnerable and experience memories of

pain, especially during the first five years of life, these have

the strongest hold on us and influence us the most in later life.

For during this time we do not have the cognitive faculties to understand and process the psychic overloads we experience.

It is as if we remain frozen in early traumatic experiences we

could not consciously resolve back then in the present.  

 

What is so crucial to grasp is that our development of consciousness gets arrested especially in traumatic experiences that take place in the family system into which we are born. It is this disturbed consciousness that determines much of how we relate to life. The foundation for inner healing of unresolved memories is that we can now awakened to a depth consciousness of love that cares for, wills our good, the good of every being which was not accessible to us in our earlier development. As we awaken to a new way of seeing our selves and the world from this depth consciousness, the suffering, the dysfunction caused by early traumatic experiences can be undone. 

 

What memories from our earliest years might cause deep hurt, disturbance, that remains in us and influences us in the present?   Feeling unwanted in the womb of our mother, feeling our parent’s lack of harmony and love even this early. A traumatic birth that caused shock to our physical sense of well-being. Feeling neglected or abandoned. Feeling the effects of little or no affection, no warmth from either or both parents. Our parents transferred their own fears and anxiety from their childhood making us feel a lack of wholeness in our self. We were physically, emotional or sexually abused or witnessed this happening to others in the family system. There was alcoholism in our family that impacted us. There can be these, any combinations of these and then there is always the impact of peers, and society at large that can add to our unresolved pain. 

 

The core insight in this consideration is the memory of unconscious pain and the patterns we established very early to manage, to control, to escape this pain. It is these patterns that have become so ingrained, have become so much a part of our character that are the most difficult to bring awareness to and release. The Spirit is in us, even as the child, is free like the wind. We only want to experience being loved and loving. But when the child’s level of consciousness in us  experiences trauma, overwhelming emotional pain, it has no way to consciously resolve it. It is forced to cope with it, to numb it, to make it OK rationally, to believe it didn’t happen. The child’s body has to hold it for us  for we cannot.

 

The signs that we have these patterns are very often physical symptoms that will not abate, addictions, present events that trigger strong emotional reactions. Our deepest need is: how can we become aware of underlying deep pain that we have believed very early is too much, that keeps influencing us is the present

and let it go?

 

There are two powerful images or icons of healing that come to mind from many years of monastic life when I was active in facilitating Christian/Zen retreats. They are Jesus on the Cross

and Kwan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion. The Christian mystics

of the 12th century had a saying that, “the glory of the transfigured and Risen Lord is to be found nowhere but in the cry of the poor man from the cross.” Jesus entered into the human condition deeply marked by suffering, especially the patterns of power that humans adopt as a way to deal with inner pain. It all goes back to the helplessness, the powerlessness of a child who is not shown genuine love and  when he or she becomes an adult feels they need to get “power over” others to resolve their inner pain of feeling so powerless.

 

Jesus, who knew within himself the deep consciousness of

love, allowed this human cruelty to be unleashed upon him and

trusted the love power within him in this darkest moment and so transformed it. It is said of Kwan Yin, that she realized complete and full enlightenment in listening to the cries of the world.

 

In both of these icons is it the allowing of suffering to be acknowledged and embraced that is the message for us. They

both point to our capacity to awaken to the consciousness of

love within and it is this that allows suffering to be embraced and healed.  Helen, a woman I had given sessions to had been in a relationship for 3 years with John. John had to move 1000 miles away to take care of his kids from a past relationship along with his parents.  She had felt very strong about this man, and they had spoken of marriage. Several times she had deep doubts about this relationship and felt it needed to be let go of. But each time as she spoke with John, heard his voice, she would feel enlivened and so yearned to realize an intimate relationship.  

 

It happened that John mentioned something in a phone conversation that triggered doubt again. As she prayed deeply

for guidance she felt a voice saying, “its over.” She called me

and said I don’t think I can really be with this man. I guided her

in a meditation to ground her in her deepest self and had her ask about this man. As she did she felt a strong “no” and the conviction came that she needed to let go of this relationship  for highest good of all concerned – herself, her son she was still raising and

for John himself.

 

The next evening she called me and she was in tears and asked me to come over and help her. She said that after she had

broken off the relationship with John by phone  she had another conversation with him in which she asked him if he could accept her back and he said, “No, you don’t trust me.” Her words to me were, “I blew this relationship, I so loved this man.” Before I went to visit her I asked about where her real issue was and as I took a walk through her life I felt it was the 4th and 5th years and that it was about her relationship with her father. As I met with her I said,
“I feel that your letting go of John has triggered the deep memory of your Dad very early wherein you lost him, because he never showed you a father’s love.  Would you want to try a guided meditation to see what this might bring forth?” She said, “sure.”

 

As we began the session I asked her what her sense of connection with the deep Source within her was and she said, “Heavenly Father.” Next I had her lie down on the couch and began to guide her to awaken to her sense of the communion consciousness

of love with heavenly father and with all. As she felt thoroughly grounded in this I had her called to mind her relationship with her father back in the 4th and 5th year and to take little Helen from this time in her heart and tell her that she was not alone left to herself but that she was enveloped in heavenly father’s love in communion with all.

 

I told her to allow little Helen to say what it was she really needed from her father. For quite some time she lay there still and then words began to come: “I needed you to protect me and tell me

you loved me. You come home and you just sit and read the paper. You don’t pay any attention to me. You call me stupid. You undress before me and you let me see you naked and you don’t care. You are so insensitive. You are never there for me.” As these memories and others came, tears of grief came. I then asked Helen to speak to little Helen and ask her how she was feeling. As she listened she said: “She feels heavy-hearted.” I then asked if I could speak to little Helen and she said, “yes.” I then said, “Little Helen I want you to know that you are a beautiful precious girl and that I am so happy you were born on this earth. I know that you experienced so little love and care from your Dad but I want you to know this time is over. I want you to feel the love in my heart for you now in this moment. I want you to know that you will always be loved by me, by big Helen, by many who are always present to you. Let this love release any memories heaviness you may still feel.” After sometime Helen said, “She thanks you and that she loves you too.” 

 

The next day Helen called me and said, “I am so grateful for the session last night. I feel so happy and free. I see now that John

is not able to be in a committed relationship, that he has so many issues to work out in his life and that I need to move on.” Helen was able to see that she was still trying to compensate for the

lack of love from her father, hoping that her relationship with John would work out, despite signs that said it couldn’t work out. She was able to withdraw her energy from her relationship with John and continue on with getting her business degree and commit herself to raising her son. A key to this was her developing her

own spiritual practice of being in harmony with “heavenly father’s love” in every aspect of her life. 

 

When we bring to light memories of early childhood wherein our deepest need for love was not met and process them we unearth Spirit energy that got trapped in buried emotional pain and all the patterns we developed to manage, to control and compensate.

If we do not find Spirit in these deep core issues of intimacy we

do not find it, no matter how long we search. We can be strongly attracted to a relationship, a spiritual path and feel that we will find the resolution there.  We can feel drawn to become a therapist,

do healing work and feel we will find it there. However, if we leave untended core issues, as I have mentioned, we will still be trying to jump over the pain by the relationship, the spiritual practice, being a therapist, etc. As we embrace core issues in our life we will know how relationships, spiritual practice, our chosen path of service fit.

 

I had worked with Joan for a number of years who had been sexually abused in her  4th year.  She had a very abusive and uncaring childhood.  At the age of 16 she fell deeply in love and married.  As she had children and began to raise them she began to feel depressed. As years went on she began to put on excessive weight. She became aware of the sexual abuse in a workshop and meditations were offered to release it but they never really got to the core issue.  The years continued with Joan keeping on weight and staying addicted to food.   As I gave her sessions, she would always seem to get deep awakening but her constant out cry was, I am never able to make what comes in a session last and bring forth signs of lasting change.

 

She came for a session and related that she was in the pits, “I have never felt so down, felt so miserable, I am binging on food, going back to sugar and all the wrong foods. I have a deep compulsion to keep eating.” She had been inspired by a book and tapes that spoke of a way to lose weight by getting in touch with inner processes. What especially caught her attention was that until we feel safe and have dealt with childhood safety issues our body will keep weight on. Joan began to go to exercise and eat the right foods and after several months she found that she lost five pounds. She called her daughters and mentioned this to them,

she felt elated. The very next day she was driven to eat and eat and could figure out why. She began to feel hopeless and powerless to do anything about her excess weight and her addiction to food.

 

As we began the session I said, “Joan from what you have said

I feel that you still have the buried pain of little Joan from the sex abuse that is acting out. We could try a guided meditation to root and ground you in the Presence of Love that is stronger than this pain and then allow this to touch the pain and release it.” She agreed and wanted to proceed.

 

As she lay back in a lounge chair, I guided her to follow her breath, beginning to relax deeper on the out-breath. Then I asked her to call upon the beings of light that she felt drawn to. She began by calling upon Jesus, Mary, her departed sister who was especially close to her along with others.

 

When she began to sense their presence and feel safe I asked

her to pray to whom she felt guided to as to what she needed to do to bring healing to the pain of little Joan. As she did, she felt Jesus and Mary guiding her,  “Jesus, Mary and big Joan are holding little Joan and we are going into the bedroom and are going to

turn the light on.  As we are turning the light on I see my Dad and Grandfather on the left and we are on the right.  Now Dad and Grandfather are gone.” As Joan continued to pray and listen she said, “Now we are to recreate a safe place for little Joan. We are making her bed, painting the walls blue and also putting a stuffed animal by the pillow.” She then stopped and then tears came to her eyes and she said, “This was the only safe place I had, it was my space and my Dad and Grandfather violated my space and
my body. I have always only wanted to feel loved and protected. You had no right to violate my body.” With this came deep sobbing and tears.

 

As she continued she heard Mary speaking to her, “You are safe now. Dad and Grandfather have gone to a place of wholeness, they can never harm you again.” As she listened to this she began to pray to Mary for guidance, “Help me to find this safe place within so I don’t have to continue with unhealthy eating that keeps this weight on me. I now know that I have kept this weight on to attempt to protect myself from abuse even though I have felt protected and loved by my husband.”

 

As she listened she said, “I hear this voice that says, this will never last, I am crazy to believe this. I am going to go home and just fall back into my old habits.” I said to her, “Can we ask where this voice is coming from? I feel it goes back to that 4th year wherein that girl believed that nothing  could undo the abuse. Consider speaking to that little girl, take her into your heart and envelop

her in Divine presence, The Communion of Love and Light with Jesus, Mary and your sister. Assure her that she can never be harmed again as Mary said to you.”

 

 As we continued, one way to remind her of her new found freedom discovered in our session was to call upon Mary, sensing her presence with her.

 

What is so crucial in healing of memories is that we can discover an inner resource from The Presence of Spirit that can give us a sense of support, comfort, and empowerment in the face of our familiar patterns that come from a belief of being victimized, powerless,

and hopeless. Virginia Satir, a very gifted therapist who died in 1988, use to say: “The power of the familiar has more power than comfort.”  What this means is our patterns we have developed from earliest years to cope have a very deep hold us. They have become very familiar and we turn to them to support us. They really don’t give us the support and comfort that only the presence of Spirit can. Yet, we deceive ourselves thinking they can. 

 

What is most necessary is developing our spiritual practice that we return to again and again to experience true comfort and support rather than our familiar patterns. The familiar also means patterns of addiction that keep us in suffering. This is very often the most demanding inner work, namely, to come to grips with our familiar patterns and be able to let them go as we learn to draw upon
our inner resource. This can come from deepening our faith. Faith here means always the sense of confidence and trust in Divine Presence, making this conscious in our life. It means finding our
life direction and purpose in Divine will, manifesting this will in loving service.